I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
