I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
