So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
