No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
