its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
