I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
