i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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