You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
