News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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