I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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