i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
