you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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