So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no, he came in my armpit
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
