I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
