Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
