omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
