Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
