I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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