OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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