My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
