even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
