you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
