Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Every concussion has its silver lining
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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