He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
