we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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