I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
