I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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