Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
