My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
