I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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