woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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