I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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