Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
