remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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