They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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