brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
