Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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