i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
