Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
