You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
