hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
