I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
