so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
