i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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