i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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