you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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