No I am not eating basil off your cock
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
