I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
