why didn't you poke me back
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
