maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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