dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
