just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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