My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
