Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
