I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
