Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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