I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
