i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
