I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
