so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
