i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
