Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
